Your Attention Please

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If you’re an adult with ADHD, you’ve lived through many negative situations, probably more than your fair share. A lifetime of failures, shame and struggles leaves scars in the form of low self-esteem and a tendency not to trust others or yourself. As a way to protect yourself, you may begin to play the ADHD Blame Game.

When disaster strikes at work, you blame your boss, the situation, the resources that weren’t quite good enough or when there’s no one or nothing else to blame, you play blame solitaire and blame yourself. You’re not alone, everyone does it… in the “big leagues”  they sue each other, always looking for someone to point the finger at.

The problem with the blame game is that it focuses on judgment, instead of learning. Mistakes are an essential part of learning and when you play the blame game, you deprive yourself of important learning experiences. You can`t learn because you`re busy looking for a scapegoat.

If instead you shifted your thinking away from blame, you’d find that maybe you’ve identified a need to acquire or improve current skills, or that maybe you should avoid certain situations in the future or at least ask for help from someone more skilled or experienced. Maybe you need a whole new approach! Heck! If nothing else, you now know what doesn’t work. Remember that and you won’t be doomed to repeat it.

Even if you were wronged, avoid playing the blame game just because it’s not productive. It keeps you thinking like a victim and only prevents you from moving forward.

So if you find yourself looking for someone to blame, stop! Now, ask yourself:

1. What can I learn from this situation that I can use in the future?
2. What have I learned about myself because of what happened?
3. What do I need to do to move forward from here?

And then just do it!

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When they first contact me, many of my clients ask me where they can go to get the cure for ADHD. While medication can definitely help many adults with ADHD, they don’t eradicate it. They simply allow you to pay better attention so that you can learn to manage your ADHD. Managing it can feel like a chore but it’s worth it. I’ve already talked about others who have been successful with it.

What I have found over my years as ADHD Coach is that you need to work 6 building blocks to managing adult ADHD. They are the following:

1. Learn about and embrace your ADHD
While ADHD has likely been a very negative force in your life, knowing more about it will help you to develop the lifestyle that will help you manage your ADHD. You might even discover that there’s an upside to ADHD.

2. Learn and adopt effective productivity management
One of the biggest complaints my clients have around their productivity. As an adult with ADHD you need to learn not only time management the ADHD way, but also self-management, organizing, creating systems and overcoming procrastination, and more.

3. Develop emotional intelligence
If your history is like many of my clients’, you’ve had to and possibly still deal with some pretty negative forces in your life. A lifetime of failures, disappointments, and frustrations may lead to low self-esteem and a negative attitude. As an ADHDer you may also struggle with controling your emotions.

4. Create opportunities to self-actualize
Believe it or not, you have strengths, talents, a whole lot of untapped potential. Discovering and recognizing them are the first steps. You then need to create opportunities to live them, do more of them, and have a fulfilling life. You also need to take control of your financial health to help open opportunities for yourself.

5. Develop nourishing relationships
You teach people how to treat you. Developing nourishing and supportive relationships is your responsibility. Help your loved ones understand you and ask for their help to ensure they don’t sabotage your self-management. Learn good communication skills and reap the benefits in every part of your life.

6. Manage your life projects effectively
Life is made up of numerous projects. Clearing clutter, painting a room, looking for work, starting a business, even making supper, are all examples of projects. Managing projects effectively will help you greatly in managing your life.

As you can see, overcoming ADHD takes time and work. There is no magic pill. But I can tell you that you can have a happy and fulfilling life as an adult with ADHD and that you are worth the investment you make in yourself. Investing in yourself will have a positive outcome.

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I just read this morning an article that described a study about the effect of ADHD in nomadic tribes in Kenya compared to Kenyans who are settled. One of the genes thought to be responsbile for ADHD, the DRD4, was found to have a positive effect in nomadic tribes such as the ability to find nourishment compared to farmers with the DRD4 gene. This suggests as I’ve always thought that ADHD creates problems in certain contexts but not in others. Our current work environment though resembles the “farmer model”, which is very sedentary and linear.

In nomadic herders, ADHD may be a strength because of ADHDers’ tendency to be easily distracted and notice stimuli in their environment, making them more likely to notice preditors and their impulsivity allows them to act quickly to protect the herd. In his book, Attention Deficit Disorder: A Different Perception (published in 1997), Thom Hartman wrote, he advanced the hypothesis that ADHD may be the product of evolution where the ability to hunt was necessary for the survival of the tribe. The ability to notice everything in your environment allowed people to find their prey while avoiding becoming prey themselves.

We saw first hand the validity of this hypothesis when a few years ago my husband, Duane, and a group of guys went into the forest in Banff to take pictures. Duane who has ADHD noticed all the animals in the forest, which lead one of the guys to ask Duane if he hunts. He doesn’t.

The effects of ADHD seem to be based on the context. In some situations it can be an asset like for herders and hunters while in others can be negative like in farming and in most of today’s work environment. The career you choose can have an impact on whether or not you succeed. Entrepreneurship is a career choice that resembles the hunter setting the most. This may explain why so many ADHDers tend to choose to become entrepreneurs.

Of course, other factors are also important in choosing a career such as level of interest, and many work conditions have to be taken into considerations. Each person is different and these differences mean you don’t have to become a Kenyan sheep herder to have success. You need to understand your ADHD and yourself enough and put in place strategies at work that will allow you to succeed, like improving your self-management, and adopting a healthy lifestyle.

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Recently I received an email from a woman who heard me speak at a business conference and who felt that her sister had all the symptoms of ADHD. Given the struggle her sister was dealing with at work, she felt that investigating the possibility of her sister’s ADHD might explain her sister’s difficulty and help her provide a solution. The problem was how do you tell someone you think they have ADHD in a way that she won’t feel attacked.

Here’s what I answered:

Telling someone they have ADHD, which may have very negative connotations, requires love and empathy. Your sister likely already knows that something is going on. She may suffer deeply, thinking that it’s her fault or that there’s something wrong with her. Her self-esteem is likely affected by her inability to manage it.

Remind her that you love her and that you want what’s best for her. Tell her without judgment about the “symptoms” you see her exhibiting and that it must be painful for her to struggle with these. Explain that you’ve heard something that could explain her difficulties. Attention Deficit Disorder (ADHD) is a difference in brain wiring that requires a differing approach to doing things and that learning specific strategies can not only allow her to minimize or eliminate her struggle but also reap the upside of ADHD.

The important thing is to ensure that it be done with compassion and without judgment and that she know that she doesn’t have to struggle anymore. Most ADHDers are relieved upon hearing that it’s ADHD and that they are not lazy, crazy, or stupid. Once she gets a formal diagnosis, it’s imperative that she gets the help she needs to manage it. ADHD is an explanation but can become an excuse if you don’t do anything to improve your situation.

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